The freedom for black women and all people to just be themselves and to have their diversity acknowledged and affirmed. I believe that that is what empowerment is. The power to be you without being forced to succumb to someone else’s truth.
This topic came to mind because of the debate that emerged when news came out that there would be a film about Barbara Jordan’s life. Barbara Jordan, a black woman, was the first African-American woman elected to the Texas Senate in 1966 and in 1972 was the first black woman from the South to join the U.S. House of Representatives. She was a gifted orator and has left an extensive and amazing legacy at the University of Texas. Why would people be upset about a movie about her you ask? Apparently, some believe that she was unattractive, asexual or a lesbian and that she exemplified the nanny sterotype and they are tired of seeing black women mammies on screen.
I will not get into the merits of these arguments because Ms. Gina of the blog “What About Our Daughters” has already done that. But I will say this. Who cares if she was unattractive or asexual or a lesbian? Some black women are not conventionally attractive and some are assexual and some are lesbians. I whole heartedly understand the desire to see images of beautiful, sexy, smart, glamorous and sexually empowered black women on screen because there seems to be a dirth of such images. But that does not mean that we should silence all other stories. Our empowerment emerges when we are simply allowed to “be” in all of our magnificent diversity.
The most popular narrative about being a woman is one of struggle. We hear about domestic abuse against women, female infanticide, discrimination against women in the workplace and much more.
Of course all of these horrors exist. But in getting to know more and more men I have begun to recognize that women are privileged to a certain extent with respect to the freedom to show emotion freely and to express both their softness and toughness with abandon. I sometimes think that men are taught in many societies to hold all of their emotions inside and to always be tough and stoic and to consistently judge their worth by how much money, power and influence that they are able to gain. I pray that society can liberate men from these burdens. We’ve had the women’s movement. Can we have the men’s liberation movement?
In raising boys I pray that I can teach them to be secure enough in their humanity and manhood to recognize their inherit worth and the worth of all others regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, class or sexual orientation.
I pray that they will be the type of men that we all love – as Judith Rich explains.
“I love men who know them selves to be more than their bank balances, more than their job titles, more than the number of sexual conquests or trophy wives they’ve had. I love men who see beyond the cultural definitions of who they’re supposed to be, especially as dictated by people like you.
I love men who in knowing themselves to be more than their net worth, more than their golf scores, or the number of cars or jet airplanes they own, can look in the mirror and see beyond appearances, see their inner beauty, listen to and trust their heart.
I love men who can be spacious enough to let their women shine, secure enough to let their women be as big and as beautiful as can be. I love men who are humble, and who inspire women to feel safe enough in their presence to open to their deepest, most vulnerable self.
I love men who aren’t afraid to be wrong, men who have the courage to say that they don’t always have the answers. I love men who have a regard for what’s sacred, what’s holy, what’s unnamable, what’s invisible. I love men who don’t take a woman’s love or anything else for granted. I love men who get that a woman in her power is the most beautiful creature on the planet. Oh, I love that kind of man!”
Please see the rest of Judith Rich’s moving blog entry here.
Do you have the courage to allow others to deeply see you in all of your magnificent humanity and vulnerability? According to social scientist Brene Brown, this courage is precisely the key to being fulfilled. Believing that you are worthy even though you are imperfect and being brave enough to show your authentically imperfect self to others by saying “I love you” first and by embarking on endeavors that have no guarantee – that is the key to really feeling alive.
I think that this lesson is incredibly important in the field of romantic love. Many of us walk into new relationships with our armor on – ready to protect ourselves and looking for the slightest indication that the person may hurt us so that we can leave and escape the uncertainty of rejection or heartbreak. It seems as if that may be the wrong approach. In other words….
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey
Please see the life-changing Brene Brown talk.
Love can be found in any place and at any time, including in the privacy of one’s own home on an online dating site. Loveessence thanks the Grio for sharing our philosophy that love is out there for black women who are open to men of all races and that the Internet is one of many venues to find that love.
As published in the Grio on June 29, 2012.
Black women braving online dating: The final frontier for finding love?
Online dating websites are in many ways like virtual Viagra. Both are touted as a way to reinvigorate a flaccid sex life, they give more opportunities to mate to those who due to circumstances beyond their control may have had less action than they’d like, and few will admit (at least publicly) to using them. It is reported that 40 million people have tried online dating. With such a high percentage of users, one would think that online dating would be a good answer to what I like to call the “Black Female Thunderbolt Phenomenon” (the belief that black women are more likely to get struck by lightning than to ever marry).
Yet even in web waters teeming with dating prospects, black women are still getting the short end of the stick. The dating website OKCupid.com released a study back in October 2009 that revealed that black women on the site are the users who reply the most when contacted; however they are the ones who get the least replies when they initiate contact. It didn’t matter if they were reaching out to white, black, Hispanic or Middle Eastern men. Alas, even in a medium filled with people seeking to meet, black women are still having a hard time connecting.
“I don’t think that we should take these statistics too seriously,” Ama Yawson, co-founder of LoveEssence.com, told theGrio. ”Black people who go to a mainstream site such as OKCupid.com aren’t necessarily black people who are interested in meeting other black people online. They’re more likely to be a black person who is open and interested in dating non-blacks, which is why they specifically choose a vehicle that would enable them to meet a more racially diverse range of prospects.”
So what is a black woman to do when she is frustrated by her limited online dating options? Well, if you’re Ama Yawson, you start your own site.
Ama decided to take an inventive approach towards finding love. After discovering that her then fiancée was in fact already married to someone else, she went on a journey to discover “love’s essence.” “I wanted to attract and to be open to any man who could give that love regardless of race, culture, height, age and other demographic characteristics.” When I asked why she opted to start her own site versus simply joining another, she answered, “None of the sites I looked at had a philosophy that I believed in. Some were too casual, some were too serious… it was really hard to find something in between. I wanted to create a space that was serious in its intention, yet playful in its interactivity.”
Please see the rest of the article here.
Don’t you just love that name “Black Women Deserve Better”? We all deserve better. We deserve a better world. But I think that phrase of deserving better especially resonates with those who may sometimes face certain negativity simply based on the fact that they were born a woman and black. Cher asked me some very interesting questions.
This was one of my favorites.
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How would you advise other Black women to proceed in light of the tragic “Scientifically Unattractive Unmarriageable Single Black Woman” narrative?
“I encourage all of us as black women to love and nurture ourselves on a daily and moment by moment basis. I am constantly walk around telling myself that I am beautiful, worthy of the best and that the Creator is aligning things in my favor and filling me with love and enthusiasm. I don’t think this conceit, I think this is necessary to survive and thrive. Nurturing ourselves is the most important work that we have to do, because without that work we will not be able to do all other work related to our careers, businesses and families successfully. In addition, I sometimes censor what I allow myself to hear or read. I stopped listening to certain R&B and hip hop stations because the music was not nurturing to me. I sometimes refuse to read certain articles that I don’t think will put me in a good mood. Obviously, we can’t hide under a rock because a certain degree of activism is necessary, but we don’t have to allow ourselves to be bombarded with negative music, news or opinions either. Let us nurture ourselves and each other.”
Please read the rest of the interview here.
I’m sure sometimes it feels like it is way too hard. On the Love List blog, Jess describes being single as “unpleasant, uncomfortable, and a lot of the time totally mortifying kind of hard”.
I can’t front, as a married woman I sometimes just feel relieved that I am not dating anymore. Sometimes I go to parties and clubs and see the single women dressed to kill and “playing the game” and I’m happy that I’m not in it. I’m sure the frustrations of black single women may sometimes be even deeper because of all of the doom and gloom reports out there on black women and dating.
Having someone to share your life with is wonderful. Most women would be lying if they said that they did not appreciate financial support, companionship and sexual intimacy that hopefully is part and parcel of married life. But it has its challenges. I once asked a mentor of mine who had been married for over a decade whether she ever thought of leaving her husband and her response was “everyday”. Now that I am married I can relate somewhat. It takes an unwavering commitment to “stay together” to “stay together” through all of the mood swings, disagreements and unmet expectations.
Single ladies, if you want love. Its out there. I would advise that you begin meditating on the love that you want to attract into your life and stay steadfast in your faith and stay open minded with respect to the different packages that the love may come in. But also enjoy your freedom to make life decisions without having to consult anyone. If you don’t have kids or elderly parents for whom you care, enjoy your ability to put yourself first at any given moment. Treat yourself like the goddess that you are. Travel the globe. Enjoy your limitless options because once you start meditating on the type of romantic love that you want – your single days may be numbered.
This is an excerpt from Jess’s insightful article.
On Dating
Please read the rest of Jess’ article on hardships of being single here.
All families encounter challenges. Those challenges may surround finances, discrimination from others based on race or religion, work schedules or cultural differences. The list is too long! I grew up as the daughter of immigrant parents and I often felt like my mother and father had mentalities that were starkly different from mine and such differences sometimes had emotionally painful consequences. Clearly, mixed race families may also experience particular issues.
I’ve heard of black mothers being mistaken for a very fair-skinned child’s nanny. One of my white female in-laws who is married to my cousin (a black man) told me that her son’s teacher told him that he should paint himself gray because he is half black and half white. How ridiculous!
But I pray that at the end of the day the most important gift that we can give to our children is the unshakeable belief that they are worthy and that they are loved and that with that belief they can go forth and conquer whichever challenges come their way. Surely, parents of any race, culture, or financial background can give their children that crucial gift.
The following article by Alex Barnett which is entitled “When a White Dad Feels He Failed His Black Wife and Bi-Racial Son” discusses a white father’s horrible feeling of impotence when he could not think of the appropriate response to a white man’s racist insult to his unborn bi-racial son. However the father realizes that his ability to be a consistent and reliable provider, protector, nurturer and teacher to his son outweigh any inability that he might have to relate to his son’s experiences as a boy/man of African descent.
“Give him a banana!” the man shouted at the stage.
I looked at him then scanned the rest of the crowd, reeling, as if I had been slapped in the face.
Seconds before, I was a stand-up comic regaling the audience. When I segued into the part of my routine in which I noted that my wife and I were an interracial couple expecting the birth of our first child and that I was concerned about being a white man raising a biracial son, he interrupted and stopped me cold.
That he had such an ignorant and hate-filled thought was disturbing. That he said it in public was mind-boggling. We weren’t at a minstrel show in the antebellum Deep South. We were at a comedy club in the New York suburbs in the Age of Obama.
The room went quiet, as the audience processed what had happened, looked at the man, then at me and waited for my answer.
It is a beautiful piece. Please read the rest of it here at Beyond Black and White.
A family friend recently asked a young woman whom he admired what she thought contributed to her success. She responded that her parents never deterred her from following her passions and no matter how grandiose of an idea that she had they never seemed shocked and told her that she could not do it. I pray that I will be able to nurture my children in that way.
The story of Caine’s Arcade demonstrates that anything is possible. A nine year old boy created an elaborate arcade out of cardboard at his father ‘s auto parts shop. Sadly, he lacked customers due to the desolate location of the shop. That was, until one day a filmmaker happened to stop by the auto parts shop and became fascinated with the arcade. The filmaker then started a social media campaign to get customers to show up to the arcade at the same time. Caine arrived at his Dad’s shop from lunch at a pizzeria to find hundreds of customers cheering for him. The filmmaker’s video about Caine has inspired many and people have contributed over $100K to Caine’s college fund. Love was enough for Caine to live his dreams. It is enough for your dreams too.
Check out the video below.
“Chink in Armor…Go back to China… Orchestra is on the other side of the campus…” are just a few of the taunts that Jeremy Lin had to endure before and during his meteoric rise to fame. His story is the story of a spiritually-grounded American who has overcome challenges through sheer determination. In the process, Jeremy Lin has inspired people to rethink race and gender-based stereotypes and that is a good thing for all of us, including black women.
What is most striking about Linsanity is Jeremy Lin’s impact on the perception of Asian men. Jeremy Lin’s strength, finesse on the court and overall swag seem to debunk stereotypes of Asian-American men as effeminate, weak, timid, nerdy and socially awkward. The world is taking notice. A viral YouTube video depicts an Asian-American female college student leaving her white boyfriend for an Asian-American man after seeing footage of Jeremy Lin playing basketball. Her stereotype of Asian-American men being effeminate and nerdy dissipates and she suddenly finds an Asian-American man irresistible while acknowledging their cultural connection. Since Linsanity began, several Asian-American men have reported that they have begun receiving more replies on Internet dating sites.
I’m pleased by these developments. As a black woman, I am no stranger to harmful gender and race-based stereotypes. Just recently, a branding and technology consultant who is helping me upgrade my romantic networking site for black women and all men, Loveessence.com, presented me with the following quote in order to demonstrate the reactions to the site that we may sometimes encounter.
“Just the term ‘black women’ conjures up thoughts of an overweight, dark-skinned, loud, poorly educated person with gold teeth yelling at somebody in public. I hope that doesn’t make me racist but honestly that’s the 1st thing I think of.” –anonymous white man
I was horrified. The white man quoted seems incredibly confused. Some of the most stunningly beautifully women that I have ever seen have dark-skin. Further, I don’t personally know any black woman who fits the rest of that description.
It seems that despite the very lovely images of beautiful, intelligent, feminine and glamorous black women from all walks of life such as Lena Horne, Josephine Baker, Shirley Chisholm, Dianne Carroll, Dianna Ross, Iman, Michelle Obama and many more, wicked stereotypes still persist.
With the presence of these vicious stereotypes, it is not entirely surprising that black women and Asian-American men are the least likely groups to marry and date interracially in the United States. Although it is important to note that black women appear to be far less interested in dating out of their race than all other women in the United States, according to scholars who study this issue such as Professor Ralph Richard Banks.
Jeremy Lin reminds us of the fallacy of race and gender-based stereotypes. I think that it would be wise if we all stop ourselves the next time we find ourselves thinking that white men have no swag, white women are “easy”, Asian-American men are less endowed, Asian-American women are submissive, Latina women are fiery, Latino men are hot-tempered, black women are overly-demanding, black men are players or any other silly stereotypes.
I have a radical idea. Why don’t we all try to get to know people as individuals while keeping in mind that the human race is brimming with diversity? We should try to acknowledge the fact that variety is abundant within the very groups that people perceive as representative of a single “race”. Can we actually get to love’s essence by opening our minds to discover whether a person, regardless of his or her race, can actually give us the love for which we yearn? The increasing frequency of Asian men and black women from Africa getting married shows us the viability of love across racial and cultural lines.
Linsanity may end tomorrow or it could already be over but if Jeremy Lin has caused people to question their race and gender-based stereotypes in the dating world, even for a millisecond, then count me Lin.
Although the black community has adopted the mottos that black is beautiful and the darker the berry the sweeter the juice, from the looks of most music videos many black men prefer their women light, bright and darn near white. The documentary, “Dark Girls”, made by Bill Duke and D. Channsin Berry attempts to explore this contradiction.
As the co-founder of a romantic networking site for black women and all men, www.loveessence.com, I was deeply interested in seeing the film. After all, I have invested in a dating site that celebrates the beauty and desirability of all black women from the milkier tones of Paula Patton and Beyonce to the more sepia tones of Naomi Campbell and Ajak Deng.
Bill Duke and D. Channsin Berry have done a heroic job of tackling the controversial topic of colorism and they have done so with both compassion and intellect. The movie begins with a historical perspective on colorism which covers the tension between the light-skinned house slaves who were often the illegitimate children of the masters versus the dark-skinned non-mixed field slaves. Most profoundly, the documentary points out that for the vast majority of black people’s history in the United States the mainstream culture did not even recognize black people as human, not less physically beautiful.
But the movie’s power derives from its elucidation of how this sordid history of slavery, Jim-Crow and internalized racism has impacted the collective black psyche, with particular emphasis on the emotional states of the darkest women among us. The movie powerfully shares the heart-wrenching stories of many dark-skinned women who have been ridiculed, humiliated and deemed invisible by other black people as a result of their skin tones. The most tragic scene occurs when a little dark-skinned girl points to a picture of a darkest little girl in a lineup and states that the darkest girl is ugly and least intelligent because “she black”. Many decades late the Brown v. Board of Ed test of children’s perceptions of white superiority and black inferiority appear to still hold true.
Sadly, the movie reveals that self-hate surrounding darker skin is a complex shared by people of color all over the world. The film discusses the phenomenon of skin bleaching, a $40 billion dollar industry, in the former European colonies of Africa and Asia as well as the notion of “advancing the race” by marrying lighter in Latin America.
Any film on colorism would be incomplete without a discussion of how the media perpetuates the “light is right” image. “Dark Girls” includes this discussion but the viewer is left frustrated because the film-makers never confront media decision-makers. There are few to no interviews with casting directors and hip hop moguls who are so instrumental to shaping those perceptions of beauty. Also glaringly absent are interviews with wealthy black men who, according to studies, tend to be more likely to employ the paper bag and snow and blow tests in their romantic lives.
In the end, the movie calls for self-healing and for darker-hued women and states that the healing has to come from within and black women cannot wait for black men to affirm them. Further, the film advises families and communities to affirm the beauty of young dark girls. The documentary ends with the uplifting message “dark girls rise”.
Although I applaud the film-makers and would whole-heartedly recommend this powerful documentary to all people, I believe that the movie failed to give a completely accurate representation of what it is to be a dark girl. The movie included testimonies of dark-skinned men who admired dark chocolate beauties and desired to affirm their own image by having dark-skinned children. It also had testimonies of white men who adored dark-toned beauty. However there was not one testimony of a dark-skinned woman who has always been confident of her beauty and who has been consistently complemented in the black community.
It is true that most dark-skinned women are acutely aware of the glorification of light-skinned women, but that glorification has not completely defined our experience. I’m very dark with natural hair and seldom is there a day in which I walk down the streets of New York City without a black male complimenting me on my beauty and that experience of being affirmed by black men and women has held true during my visits to places as distant as Ghana, Barbados, Brazil and the Dominican Republic. I think I am pretty but I know that I’m not unique as it would take fewer than ten minutes in Detroit, Kingston or Accra to spot my look-alike. Further, my experience is far from the exception among dark-skinned women.
I know many dark-skinned women who were the “it” girls in high-school and college and remain highly sought after as relationship and marriage partners by black men. I think that providing such examples of deep chocolate toned women would have been inspirational while serving to accelerate our collective healing process by demonstrating that common acknowledgement of dark-skinned beauty is not just possible but actual.
In short, I believe that as black people, our knowledge of dark-hued beauty has amounted to more than moments of lucidity in a long-history of racism-induced psychosis. Our knowledge of our diverse beauty has been enduring despite the fact we are still struggling to perfect that knowledge in the face of structural racism and the hip hop holocaust. For example, the media certainly has colorist tendencies but the beauty of Kenya Moore and Lauryn Hill has been widely acknowledged. In other words, the prospect of dark girls rising is not as remote as the “Dark Girls” documentary would have us believe.
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